Worth the Wait

Dear Gabriella,

I have been thinking for the past seven weeks about how to tell you the story of how you came into our family. After mulling it over, I have decided to just go ahead and write your story and not stress about whether or not my writing is the most eloquent and touching. I do not know how old you will be when you will read and understand these letters, but I know these thoughts and feelings will escape me if I wait too long. My desire is for you to know the joy I have felt since you came into my life and each moment after that.

Before I can tell you about your birthday, I have to tell you about when we first began planning for you. Your father and I were married on May 27th of the year 2000. Even though I wanted children, I was determined to finish college before starting a family. We lived in a very small apartment that we could barely afford, and we both worked and went to school full time. I knew that I wanted to finish school before becoming a mother.

In 2004, I graduated from college. We were still poor and working, but we wanted to have a family. We knew that if Heavenly Father wanted us to have a family, He would provide a way for us to support our family. So, with faith, we began trying for a baby.

At first we thought it would be easy. Everyone around us would decide to have a baby, and the next month or two they were pregnant. Why would it be any different for us? So every month we would hope and pray that I would get pregnant, but each month we were disappointed. The doctors made us try for one year before they would do any tests or help us.

After one year of trying, the doctors began doing tests. They used all different methods to try to help me get pregnant, but none of them worked. Each time we would try a new test, I would think, "This is going to work. I will give it just a few months, and I will finally get to be a mom." After four more years of being poked and proded, four more years of having my hopes and desires crushed, we decided to stop seeing the doctors. I admit that I began to wonder if I would ever have the opportunity to become a mother. I felt discouraged and frustrated. I thought to myself, "Does Heavenly Father think I won't be a good mother? Did I miss my chance because I waited to start a family?" I realized later that these thoughts were Satan's tools of keeping me in a state of despair.

For comfort, I would read my patriarchal blessing. In the blessing, it states that I will "lead my children to become righteous sons and daughters of God." I always had to remind myself of these words when I would feel hopeless at the prospect of becoming a parent. Later in the blessing, it reads that I will "look forward with anticipation to the birthing process and even the pain associated with bringing new life into the world." Even though I had read these passages many times before, I had not noticed the placement of these phrases until many years later. I thought it was strange that Heavenly Father would tell me all about being a mother at the beginning of my blessing, but wait until the end of the blessing to talk about my labor pains. I realized that there was a reason for this placement. I received a strong impression that I was supposed to adopt. Your father and I discussed it and prayed about it, and he too received revelation that adoption was the answer for us.

We began filling out the initial paperwork in the summer of 2009. By July of 2010, the paperwork was complete and our profile was online for birthmothers all across the United States to look at. We had several birthmothers contact us, but none of them felt right. Even though we were so eager to become parents, we knew that none of these women were the right match for us. Until the morning we received the best phone call of our lives.

On Saturday, August 21st, 2010 at 4:30 in the morning, our caseworker Hannah called us. She told us of a birthmother who was going into labor. She said that the birthmother had chosen us to be the adoptive parents, and we were to drive to Phoenix and pick up the baby. At first, I could not believe it. All this time of waiting, and suddenly I get to be a mom? Just like that? Then I started to panic. I had not prepared for this. All we had was a carseat, a baby monitor, and a swing. I had no diapers, wipes, clothes, bottles, formula, etc. Fortunately, Hannah called back about a half an hour later and told us that it was false labor, and the doctors had sent her home. However, the birthmother did want to meet us for dinner on Monday, August 23rd. That same Saturday, we drove to San Diego and filled a shopping cart full of baby items (with the help of our moms: your Grammy and Nana).

On the car ride to meet the birthmother Rachelle, we discussed all of the questions and concerns we had. Your father had a list of conditions that he wanted to address with her before accepting the offer. We were both nervous and scared. "What if she meets us and doesn't like us? What if the conversation is awkward and uncomfortable? What if she is a bucked-toothed stalker that will be knocking on our door for the next twenty years?" With all of these thoughts and questions in our heads, we walked into the restaurant filled with apprehension. As soon as we saw Rachelle, we embraced as though we were old friends. From the moment of that first embrace, I felt an overwhelming peace that resonated throughout my body. This was the birthmother we had been waiting all this time for. We all sat and talked, and the conversation was easy and comfortable. She melted all of our fears away so much that there was no need for a list of demands or strange questions. At the end of our meeting, she told us that she would like us to be the parents of her baby girl. Even though I had received a spiritual confirmation, hearing those words was like hearing the singing of angels. My heart was so full, but yet so light at the same time.

You were scheduled to be born on August 31st, but your birthmother was going to have a doctor's appointment on Thursday the 26th, which she invited us to attend with her. However, your father knew that you were going to be born early, and I knew that you weren't going to be born until your scheduled date. Your father, as usual, was right. He decided that we needed to drive to Phoenix on Wednesday because he was sure that you were going to be born on Thursday. We packed our bags and got in the car. We stopped at a friend's home to drop off our dog Madi, and sure enough, we received several calls informing us that Rachelle had gone into labor. Your dad broke many traffic laws so that he could make it there on time to see you being born.

We arrived at the hospital around 10:00pm on Wednesday night. The delivery room we were in was so cold because the thermostat was broken, so it was about 50 degrees in the room. All of us were underneath the blankets doing our best to stay warm. Your birthmother had received an epidural by that time, and she was feeling much better. We all fell asleep, but the nurses came in around 4:00 am and woke us up to tell us that it was time. Your birthmother began trembling because she was afraid of the pushing part of labor. I think you gave her a little gift because she did not have to push at all. You just slipped right out as if you were coated in butter. You were born at 4:13 am on Thursday, August 26, 2010. From the moment you were born, and even before that, I was totally and completely in love with you. I never knew that I could love someone so much that I had never really met. You were also an incredibly beautiful baby. Your skin was so soft and smooth. Your father loves to point out that your skin was not wrinkly and your head was perfectly shaped. (He said it over and over when we were in the hospital.) We followed the doctors around with tears of joy as they were measuring you and cleaning you. Our prayers had finally been answered. I knew that this was the perfect daughter of God for our family, and you came at the perfect time too.

There were so many other parts to your birthday that I have yet to share with you, and I will in other letters. The one thing I want to leave you with is what I learned from this experience. I learned that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. He loves me enough to give me what I need and not what I want. He loves me so much that He gave me you. It is my prayer that you will always know that your Father in Heaven loves you and that you will always love Him, even when He doesn't give you what you want when you want it. Some things are worth the wait.

Love,
Mom